Why people are so complicated, why not simple? I hate this and it make my heart broken, who is in the fault is this. Maybe i cannot know everything and comprehend everything and find myself thinking of a thing called nothing. You are right to say i am crazy, you can say i am a idiot but who cares, that me and i am proud of myself. Why can’t i express what i feel inside me? I think of myself as someone different from everybody thinking. If i have the power to create a word that will express what i feel. Come to think of it, making a word hard. You give that word a word and you need to create a new word to describe your word to simple term that hard. When you hate someone i think you don’t need a reason same do love. Every decision make people complicated like a thread the tied to a end more decision you have to make the more thread you have, and the more complicated it get so the question i going to ask it is why must we make all this decision. one decision mark the fate ones life to doom or to bless…
Chapter 22: Update
Hey if you are wondering if i got a crash on any girl right now and the answer is no i don’t have any right now. If i do have i think i will gladly share haha. About my future when i get the girl of my love she got to be quite pretty, hair from shoulder length to long hair, must have a good sense of fashion, she good to be as tall as me abit shorter or taller than i can accept. She must have a passion in media, Must be quite talkative because i not a very talkative guy i need someone to talkative. She must be decisive and got leadership as i not that type of guy. I think my girl will be my sassy girlfriend, oh well i don’t mind beening like that. Ofcouse she must be Godly as well. about the size (I know this is very sensative) I will like her to be not too skinny something like Jiayi to Yushan will be great haha. (If you are thinking of other thing when i wrote their name than forget it there no link to them to who is my crash or crash before i just base on them a size range only) You ask me why not skinny, one simple reason because too skinny not nice to hug and also not really pretty and that all about it haha. That about it for what i want to see for my girl of my life…
Chapter 21: NS Life
It had been a long time that i last posted out a new post. How have i been well it had been tough for this phase of life as i didn’t get the posting i wanted to have. In my basic military training (BMT) There a lot of tough time i went through yet it was the time i become more mature, knowing what to do and being responsible to my future. In NS i realise a lot of thing i never had realise if i didn’t undergo this phase. Thing i realise is the importance of family time, having time for the family. Another thing is my future, what i really want to achieve.Now i am in the NS ministry under the west group. It was hard to adapt the culture and nature of the group at the very beginning. Slowly i start to adapt to the group and find myself very bonded to the group. They are really fun and loving group, like when i am having a cough they pray for me, give me cough syrup sweet and advice to get rid of the cough. Life is in a monotones state in NS really doing the thing i don’t wanted to do yet i must do. The only motivation is booking out, where i can spent time with my family and friends. Really miss Nexus and the lighting board long time i ever have to be involve in a ministry, i think is it the time now to get myself involve and serve God with my talent. Right now i need to grow in the area of punctuality and time management really bad and it’s been so long i have this struggle to overcome it but i know with Christ there is nothing i cannot do or stop me from doing it as God is all powerful and granted us with the power to overcome to be a over-comer. I thinking of making a promise of the week to remind myself of God promise in my life so i won’t cling on to it every week. But i guess i won’t do it, oh well… I still Got one and half year till i ORD hope God can speed up the time for me yet i know it won’t happen yet i hope in blindness. Human never change, they always hope for thing they cannot get, like looking into a big black hole of nothingness, that human. What if they get the thing they hope for yet they hope for other thing even they have everything. Hope make man go through pain and suffering but if you hope is given to God there is no more pain and suffering as man everything rotated around God promises. That why i chose to go with Jesus so i won’t live a life that filled with suffering…Well that just now is my personality always thinking of thing and human behaviour thing like that. I am a melancholic person really like to think of thing and prospective of things, like to listen to people and noise form on the bus and dwell in my chains of thought. If i was going to write down all of them i think you will be reading this post over the night. Alright i don’t to write down more if i do i will write even more…Oh well…
Chapter 20: I know what you going to say… February 6, 2009
Okey first thing first I know what you going to say and I know that i haven’t write a post for so long and that the reason that I writing now because I haven’t write for so long. Many thing happen since the last time I wrote on Chapter 19… Thing like working at Malaysia, my grandmother death, Working under my cousin as a photographer, recent stupid thing I have done, haven’t done, yet to be done, wish to be done and in the process of doing it… It will be a long post from the data I am thinking in my mind that why i wrote too much word in my composition in my O’s level examination…
Okey let talk about helping my mother and father in the family business and i mean “family business” that involve my uncle and aunt to my uncle in law and aunt in law will soon to be… Side track, all this topic they all are really link together as you read you will know what I am talking about. So I went to Malaysia reluctantly. I got to miss service i got to loss touch with my friends, I am in a land where Malay is the language of choice, no Singapore signature dishes. At-least I get to be paid. It was relaxing sometime when there is no customer but there is it start to be busy. When at ease i can lay on the lay chair and sleep the day off until there’s customer pouring in. When it reaching their New Year people start to overload the place really overloaded. And my job is to make sure that the stock are replenish and being the guy at the cash register collecting money and not knowing what the hell are they talking about and the only word I know is thank you in Malay, being a dumb-ass at the cashier counter. One thing I really enjoy is the food over there that the one thing I dun miss in Singapore, the food is superb and the Malay food is heavenly, their prata for example there is many layer in one prata that is hard to find it in Singapore, try their Nasi Kampong that is out of the world, you got to try it yourself to experience the true greatness. One thing that I will never forget is the KFC there, there is fried chicken with rice. Do you agree that it is very weird? And it is serve with a plate! After the next day my uncle, father and I went and have a game of snooker till very late and there is only billiard table no pool table I was disappointed when I first step into the room fill with smoke and air-con the mix of both if you know what I mean.
The next day was a really bad day I wish I will never happen. My gran mother pass away. and I received the news when I was still in bed and i jump up out of shock. There a uncomfortable silence fill the room nobody dare to break the silence. Reach back to Singapore had lunch with my cousin, uncle and aunt, after that we went back home with my cousin. After a few moment my cousin left and the next day my whole family when to toa payoh to see my gran mother. After all the ritual and all, they left and head to Malaysia. Only I, my brother and father are staying back. The Next day we when into Malaysia during the evening and reached there about midnight already. There not really much to do but ritual and folding paper. So I kill my time by folding paper because there really nothing I can do there. So I spent the first night no sleeping and keep on folding paper. The next day my cousin lend me his camera and it was like so totally cool. So I try to get a nice shot of a picture and I manage to get some nice one. Not much to talk and I also want to talk much about it. At the last day we need to walk and send my gran mother off. After that I and my brother when home first along with my cousin and aunt.
So at home the next day and knowing it is the time to see the dentist for fixing my decay tooth and great the dentist found I got another decay tooth. You know who will like to visit a dentist because when you were a child when you visit a dentist will never give you sweet. Well bear with it throughout the treatment 30min felt like 30 years.
So someday my cousin call me up and ask me if I want to learn and work under him as a photographer and I said yes. The next day was my first day at work as a photographer and my job is to take stall from the food center. I and my cousin when all part of Singapore to take picture of food stall. That day we covered two food center and we head out to my cousin sister who is my cousin too. We get there, it is close so my cousin take the time to teach me the program I will be using. It was easy but doing a few hundred of them is hard. The next day I when to his studio and finish up the editing and went out and you know what; to take more picture of food stall at food center. After taking two food center, it was plan to wait for my cousin friend to come out and get the car from my another cousin. But his friend didn’t turn up because he still not out from camp as he got re-service. So that when I was introduce to burn notice, and I am hook and we watch like five episode of burn notice. So I went home to prepare for a long day ahead of me. The next day we got the car so it is easy to travel around Singapore. We met at Eunos and we drive to Bedok and you know what, take more picture of stall. It is non-stop taking photo get in the car and getting lost. So when we shot finish the food center and it is the Editing part and I get to stay at his studio to for the whole night till morning to finish up the editing process. After a short break at the morning we set out again and taking picture of food center. After that It is the same thing edit till the day break. On the way to the studio the next day we were flagging a taxi as it was turning from the corner and it is in stationary and there another car after it, suddenly the taxi accelerate and hit the car. I and my cousin was in shock and we retreat our hand back and laugh at it. No one will witness this accident as you don’t see a car crash their car to another car when it in a stop. It was funny that both of us keep on laughing at it. In the end we ended up taking bus back to the studio. Another round of editing, another time of overnight job to do… Finally it is over and gone to take one more food center and pass back the rented camera back to the owner and i rested at my cousin house for awhile and i take my leave and headed home.
There still some food center that I still need to take but it is not that bad as the three days I work. Than again my life start to be bore again. Until I receive my NS(National Service) letter. And I admitted at the day before Church Youth Camp. So as who I am I am very frustrated about it and keep on complaining about it but nothing is going to happen. I am just disappointed. Well every men in Singapore must go through.
This the few big thing that have happen in my life till now. Now I going to take your hand and lead you into my memory lane to the small and medium thing in my life that have happen.
Gone back to Malaysia one fine Sunday for a Malay wedding and it is a real experience to me. I in love with their food it was really tasty and the drink was really refreshing. After the wedding I and my parent went to the shop to do some admin stuff and later when back to granma house. Durning my visit to my dad shop i take some stuff from the car and my dad car the window spoiled, so the window cannot go up. When i take my stuff i close the door and i hold it than the window start to go up, I was surprise and I told my dad and he is also surprise. The next day at the morning I went to the prata shop to have some really nice prata. Later my dad send his car for repair, to refill the black oil.When it is done we went to have a game of golf at a golf club.
Chapter 19: What should I write about? August 21, 2008
Hmm What should i write…i don’t know…i feel like writing it down just for the sake of writing it down, i think it feel better…Life like normal…No high hope to get my girl…Guess we are world apart…Happy i getting my psp back and save up for a Ipod classic and later a hornet amp…oh getting materialistic… Yes, yes, yes, one more thing my com crash…and all my song and game are all inside the hard-disk…cannot play battlefield 2, F.E.A.R, indigo prophecy, and a lot game.
What will i do when i get into NS… Hope it will be a positive…
Mine mind is blank but blank is something to talk about…Something about blank that interest me… If our mind is blank and we know it is blank than our mind is not blank as you are think that your mind is blank…
Hope tomorrow i hope i will be able o meet up with my cousin it has been long that we had meet each other for dinner…
Now i am bored…Now playing around some stupid gay guy making him run here and there sure is fun haha… Everything is fun when you are bored and nothing to do…so something that happen differently sure is fun…
See even nothing to write about also got thing to write about… This prove that nothing to write can be the topic to write about…
Going to sleep soon….
Chapter 18: Fallen in love August 14, 2008
Oh how wonderful…
when i thought that the world is filled with despair and darkness…
where hope is no where to be found…
when i chosen to harden my heart…
and there a Star shining in the dark night sky…
and there my love will be…
Jasmin my love of my life…
i will keep by your side whenever you need me…
my shoulder for you to lay your head…
my hand to hold you…
my leg to guide you…
my body to protect you…
my heart to be only for you…
my arm is there to carry you…
my mouth is there to say i love you…
my eyes is there to look at your beauty…
my touch is there to feel you…
my smell is there to sense you…
my life is there to lay down for you…
my soul is there to look after you…
So i will wait for that day to come i never give up…
until you accepted me…
For i know love is selfless…
love is unconditional…
love is for eternity…
love is blind…
love is bliss…
love is kind…
love is sacrificial…
love is always forgiving…
love is always hoping…
everyday i will think of you…
Jasmin i will be there when you need me i swear…
to provide your emotional, physical and mental needs…
I can dream of the day we kiss and hug each other…
when we watch the movie…
when we drink from the same cup…
when we walk down the road together…
when we hold hands…
when you needed someone by your side…
when we stargraze…
when we spent a night at the beach…
when we tickle each other…
when we play together…
what good dream i have everyday about you…
I don’t know how am i going to end this because the more i write the more i want to write…
I can forget the past and think about you…
i accept you as who you really are…
I put my life at risk for you…
I love you, Jasmin…
Forever and always…
Chapter 17: Affirmation August 9, 2008
Hey you wondering where is Chapter 16 well it is a private post so interested and want to know…
You can wish that the sun rise from the west…
So what i want to write is this…
Tell you people do you find it interesting that people who in church often not a leader or new will normally be forsaken and affirmation will be more rare than any rare jewel…
And he will always see people above them getting them like the amount of hair on their head…
Is it amusing?
For me i don’t care anymore what i care is more is have my friend that i trust and i not refering to you church friend but only to some of you…
God you are so freaking funny…
I have already given up hope in people in the church…no more will i seek anything for them…
Past Memory pass by so fast…
Thing Gone from my hands…
Scar from experience…
With i wish i love to have…
Thing out of reach…
Yet chasing i do…
Running…
For it is in vain…
Where is the path that i ever seek…
but the shadow was it’s end…
Bright light that lie…
bring you to sorrow…
and despair…
I think that a affirmation for me…
Chapter 16: What is the problem with others July 29, 2008
Why what is the problem with others…why are they so much happening…and my life it the same old sucking old life…fuck that man….
I am really angry now and if you complain don’t complain now or i will slap you in the face…
what is this…
I hate people around me because they are so irritating so fuck up you know…
I am so fuck up so so fuck up…
i hate it…
why can’t just have more power more of everything…
God you playing with my life right…why am i like this…
why in my life nothing goes right…
why must i suffer…
making cry making wanna more reason to die…
this not the God i once know…
i thought it will give me less suffering…
i hate it i hate you all of you…
i am so confuze…should i love you or not i don’t know…
i want to die already it is driving me mad man reall mad…
i know i suck in everything i do but something i tried but it still in vain…
i so so Fuck up real fuck up…
i hate myself so much
it is unbearable…
God damn it
Chapter 15: Fairytale
I know it is very depressing to read my blog i know and you don’t need to remind me about that…
isn’t life like that…depressing..as always…
Cut the story short…you have no right to say anything to me…
Why i name this Chapter “Fairytale” you may ask…
Well if you wanna know than read on…
Walking out of the condo something struck me…why am i believing in this fairytale of i love God and God love me world…
where is the start of all this…
It was a power struggle in this place called “church”
People wanna outdo one another…
Putting up strong front like nothing have happen…
Well at-least i have friend who don’t wear mask out and that is my two crazy brother Jasmin and Beng Guang (ok firstly Jasmin is a girl, a female and she is Pretty, Sweet, Adorable, Lovely, Cute, Smart, Caring and a PRINCESS wahahaha no offence to her boyfriend lol just stating the facts….)
Friend forever….my true friends…
Sometime i think i got a inner-self some other being that i always talk to ever since in enter primary school…
and i can create a lot of interesting topic with myself…
Maybe this why i like to talk to myself maybe i like the communist…
confine into a small small world of itself enclose from the outside world but isn’t that great no more suffering to suffer from others…
Is this why i am so comfortable with myself alone i think that is the reason…
Tell myself do i love the grads well honestly not really they are of the from Mars and am from earth…
No offence but it just that there is no way i can connect with you all well i say ok is all fake if you don’t feel it from when i say it is ok than i now telling you…
why am i drafted away from the topic…thought running wild…
if it run so far must well go wild all the way than…
back on where i am saying…
i was not in your generation…
the “EMO” generation…
i was more like the brother generation…
which all of my friend are…
everything together personal feeling aside….
do till the end…
care none to anyone remarks and advise…
and make a path on my own…
Do thing according my purpose…
and fulfilling my goal
that the man i wanted to be…
and so be it…
You think i am a Gangster well i am not…
i fight for the my personal justices…
To fight for thing i think is right…
Defence what is precious to me…
and protect it with my both arms…
Willing to die for the cost of it…
that the type of guy i am…
and i tell you people it is rare to find this type of guy around…
I want to think of thing that is happy in the past and forget the sorrow and think of the future as a bright light and moulding my present to fit the future i plan to have…
Still waiting for you my right girl…..
Chapter 14: It can’t be help… July 17, 2008
Oh how great it is to be back…
now i think again…
i don’t want just a bit of control over things…
i want more control…
It is so unlike me…
Do i love Media…
or hate them…
Emotion…
maybe…
what else would it be…
maybe it is letting go of it…
than i can gladly go…
Life…
what is it?
What do i define “Life”…
I don’t know…
What i know is what i do not know…
yet i want to Know…
but i keep no knowledge of it…
It is better to know…
yet i don’t want to know…
For it will turn meaningless…
Question that i need to ask myself…
Do passion blood run through my vain…
for media…
for life…
for anything…
Who knows…
Lot of question to ask…
yet too little time to answer…
Life it is a mystery…
if men unleash the secret of it…
there will be great power in them…
Let don’t talk about this…
or it will reach to end eternity…
Let talk about my life…
or talk about my day…
It start on when my alarm clock rang…
“Oh it was time for medical check up. And pack all the thing i needed and set off to a long journey to central manpower base…It wasn’t in the best of mood you could think of…
Nervous i was…Foolish it is…as for my first visit…not knowing, my bearing…as i ask of people of knowledge to my destination…I hop in the Bus, not knowing when to land…is this fate or coincidence…Where man in uniform of green landed down and instinct told me to follow…
Okey let be more normal…i was subjected to measure my size and photo taking…after that i need to fill up the form and all it was boring anyone can identify with me…okey next is the big stuff and who know urine test and blood test is the first…wait rewind…deiwer tiaw…tsrif….doolb dna….anyone can identify with me, and something unexpected happen…i saw my long lost private school classmate and friend ANG WAL LONG….and he sit beside of me…back on track the blood test…when they insert the needle the feeling is very funny kind of like it… Good thing that my vain are visible to the naked eye or suffer the multiple hole in my hand…next is hearing test and it is bored just beep and more beep…next is eye also bored just testing the eye…next is the X-ray, take off my shirt and lay on the machine and breath in and hold my breath and that all…next is dental and they use a lot of unfamiliar term i never heard about it before…next is measuring my heart and all that and the instrument with the suction on it it tickle me and rest there and i almost fell asleep…i know you want to laugh at me right…right…and the climax is when the doctor pull out the instrument, it was like a very funny sensation…next is height and weight and i under average weight…i was awfully surprise that i was average i thought i was over-weight…should i use awfully in the first place ohh well…next is screening by the doctor and i tell him i got asthma and all that and he just give me PES B…next and the last is some mental test and it is no fun a lot question and more question…toke me a lot of my time in doing it…
Finally done and ready to go home and toke bus 57 and should alight at toa payoh but miss the bus stop because i was busy playing my “Ace Attoney Apollo Justice” and alighted at bishan and there no bus that reach my home so i take the train instead…and finally reach home…Very tired and slept till evening…later i ride my brother bike to Ang Mok Kio Ave 10 to “Botak Jones” and bought a large fish and chip and share it with my mother…had herbal tea and life gone as normal….
The End”
Chapter Of Life.... 