It seem that when you in the group which your interest is not in the greater majority, you cannot enjoy but to follow what they enjoy. Isn’t that cruel forcing people to like what you like to do? Maybe I should withdraw from them and play with myself, that don’t sound as a bad idea. I don’t believe that such a big group of people not even one like to play pool. This really suck. So I mean to be playing alone i will do it than. They can play their lan gaming all that all they want as I can play mine too all I want. I want to do what I like but I cannot. It is so unfair.What I do must always be with the group than that restrict me from who I am. I felt that I was left behind. I ask people will just smile at you and say some excuse not to play, please I don’t need your smile and excuse if you don’t want to play than let it be. It’s no fun playing with you all anyway must well play a solitaire pool.
Chapter 26: Experience January 3, 2010
It was yesterday I thought it was any other day. Gone to service and praise and worship to God and sermon but there is no point. Later I realise there a dinner later on at the flyer I thought I was just a unit thing no aware that it is the whole conjugation of UNI-YA.
We got our rehearsal and dinner there and fellowship with the people. at 1950 the dinner ended and the next set of program began and it’s the unit drama.
I will say that the Young Adult their filming was very outstanding. And it is no surprise that they won the award.
It was finally the NS turn to perform and being NS ministry it is all come to our craziness and i bet that it have tickle the funny bone of the whole crowd and warm their heart.
Prize presentation, it is as always boring and an emotional time for me. It always happen during prize presentation and asking myself why did I didn’t do that well.
After the event Chuan De and I decided to go clubbing so we decided to go to butter factory. He brought his army friend there so he intro them to me. We finally get in and it is a horror so pack and crowded no place to dace all.
The DJ also not good. To summarise the whole experience, it was bad plus I not a clubbing person I more to a bar guy, don’t enjoy girl losing their composure and being a mess. I enjoy live music prefer Jazz, have good time and chatting and laughing and playing a game of pool. that what I want my life to be like simple.
Chapter 25: Twices January 2, 2010
I think it been long that I really a post about what i think.
I try to keep short as I know I alway make it too long for you guys.
If you may wonder why I name it as twice, I got my reason, better let you see what I mean.
So this it’s how it began,
of my mind thinking and thoughts,
silently,
…
I walk a path and pause than turn back and saw the path that i have taken,
Why have I taken that path,
filled with regret,
that what you want to tell me don’t you?
I have fallen to your trap a lot of time i know,
I don’t need you to remind me of it,
I clearly know,
but I need to move on,
a new life,
and stop asking stupid question.
Maybe that will never happen,
life will not be interesting without them,
and ideas.
I saw Jocelyn blog and I saw her taking the same path that I toke a few years back,
the same path you instructed me to follow with your empty promise of sweet and
meaningless gain.
But was blinded by your darkness, drove me mad, lose control of myself and became your puppet of evil.
It hurt to see her going the same path as me know what will happen to her,
silence Cry that no one can hear, darkness that no light can penetrate through.
It is a scary world that I found myself stuck inside,
True madness,
pity to the soul,
pain of pain.
Somehow found my way out of it and to the bliss of light.
Maybe it’s the will of God that i gone through this for me to grow stronger,
who know’s?
Why is there suffering,
I once ask,
sometime you don’t know bout yourself but you are cutting your own wrist at the same time you asking the question and bleeding to your death.
It funny and amusing to see that till now.
I try to understand everything but instead I make a mess out of myself.
A mess I make that can’t undo.
Turning in circle coming back to the same question and that what you want,
and you get angry when I broke free from this cycle.
Shame on you!
Oh yeah the no shame on you to be ashamed because you delight in shame,
so I rephrase it,
May God Curse you for all eternity!
Let get over with,
don’t waste my strength on you, Devil.
Let talk about life,
i recently went to objectif a photography shop to get my flash but it was close,
this really get me mad because the a note pin there we are close from 24 Dec to 4 Jan and this is not the first time this is the second time.
Nevermind I went to CMPB and close too and also the second time and this time I am really piss.
Both failed me twice,
just now I tell you all later you will know this is why.
I finally want get a girl,
so I tell you my type,
so girl out there beware papa is come after you,
that sound so wrong,
whatever haha,
let rephrase it,
girls out there there’s a man who want your affection.
I like girl who is not to skinny about Katarina is ok any skinner that is really too skinny except dawn she is different.
Why I say dawn is different because she only girl in church I got crush on and she not the type I mention but I still like her, plus she is tall.
I like a girl like the movie “My Sassy Girl” the main actress she really cool when I saw the girl I knew I want that type of girl quite violent but caring. Some who a bit fierce.Some like Jiayi maybe? Not saying she fierce but someone like her personality.
Biblical is a must so all my other crush is out except dawn though.
Know media like photography and all that.
She is a good talk starter and know when to talk that quite important. Because I not.
The rest is really non-major points.
Got to rest for the night, tomorrow still got service.
Chapter 24: Return January 2, 2010
Okay, I know it been a long time i wrote my last post and i know it is ungodly posting, i changing now to a better person i used to be. No more of a emo kid who asking and questioning his world problem but to take sometime to reflex on God’s Goodness and Love. Just came back from Brunei training and it has teaches me a lot of thing in life. Before the trip to Brunei there i was complaining and how much i don’t want to go for Exercise Lancer. I even had a so-called last supper with my friend before i went to Brunei. By the way if you don’t know this my second time i took an aircraft. My dad drove me and my mum to T2 at Changi Airport, on the way there i realise that i had forgotten my wallet with my 11B in it. Without it i will never get into the aircraft. So I called my brother who is at home to send my wallet to the airport. Thank God for my brother if not i will be late as my dad need to go fetch my wallet. It’s there that i say my last farewell to my parent and off I go to Excercise Lancer. The walk is long toward the aircraft in a non-literally but a one in the mind and soul. Dragging my body forward to the aircraft and when i seated down the hope of going back suddenly vanish in to thin air. It was a Two hour trip and we got off and take the bus than to the boat. Halfway to the next drop off point the boat stop and breakdown as smoke came out of the engine room. so we have to wait for the river taxi to pick us up and it is so much faster than taking the big boat. So we reach the jetty and change to a bus which take us to camp. When we reach we unpack all our stuff and surrender all the camera, there also an orientation around the camp and the do and don’ts, that for the first day. The first few days is boring just practice over practice not much fun and it’s hot. (From now on i going to tell you all the highlight as if i going to the detail i think you all will dose-off) First mission that is navigation, it was simply the best as you don’t need to follow the rule in the field like being quiet and cannot take off shirt. the first day when our group going for our second checkpoint we having a hard time finding it and we bump into CSM group so we tag along with them to search our checkpoint. as time past the morale of the group drop. After filling up our bottle i and SGT Yeh went up and luck was on our side this time as we found pool which is our second checkpoint. We rest for the night and set up the shelter. About evening, there was a down pour it was so heavy that there a dead-fall fell down at the checkpoint and the people there came down to our shelter to spent the night as it was dangerous over there. the next is just walking to our mid-point and met CSM team again. This time we bash through the vegetation and vines, we even had to sneak behind the instructor just to get a shorter route. We went rush to the last checkpoint and settle down for the night and had to make a big shelter for two team. The next day, we rush to our end point and we get to return back to our campsite. The next out field is JV, Jungle village. I forgot everything except the heli ops and fire fight other than that nothing much there. The next is the grand finale Excercise Blua-Ya. I think it is the toughest of all the out field i done in Brunei. We need to climb up MT Bliang, cross three different river, walk through seven little hill and fight our mission. The climax is mt bliang, it was really crazy i almost died there, oh well. when we reach the peak we had lunch and it was so cooling.
ok let not talk about mission and all the shitty thing anymore it make me sick. R&R well the standard three M nothing much what exciting is the mall that we get to shop. flying back Singapore is like coming back from war, when we touch down on Singapore land the whole airplane shake with roar of celebration and thunderous clap raging across the plane, i bet that the air control will heard us loud and clear. That the end going to die writing too much to write about if i continue it will be endless
Chapter 23: Why… April 19, 2009
Why people are so complicated, why not simple? I hate this and it make my heart broken, who is in the fault is this. Maybe i cannot know everything and comprehend everything and find myself thinking of a thing called nothing. You are right to say i am crazy, you can say i am a idiot but who cares, that me and i am proud of myself. Why can’t i express what i feel inside me? I think of myself as someone different from everybody thinking. If i have the power to create a word that will express what i feel. Come to think of it, making a word hard. You give that word a word and you need to create a new word to describe your word to simple term that hard. When you hate someone i think you don’t need a reason same do love. Every decision make people complicated like a thread the tied to a end more decision you have to make the more thread you have, and the more complicated it get so the question i going to ask it is why must we make all this decision. one decision mark the fate ones life to doom or to bless…
Chapter 22: Update April 19, 2009
Hey if you are wondering if i got a crash on any girl right now and the answer is no i don’t have any right now. If i do have i think i will gladly share haha. About my future when i get the girl of my love she got to be quite pretty, hair from shoulder length to long hair, must have a good sense of fashion, she good to be as tall as me abit shorter or taller than i can accept. She must have a passion in media, Must be quite talkative because i not a very talkative guy i need someone to talkative. She must be decisive and got leadership as i not that type of guy. I think my girl will be my sassy girlfriend, oh well i don’t mind beening like that. Ofcouse she must be Godly as well. about the size (I know this is very sensative) I will like her to be not too skinny something like Jiayi to Yushan will be great haha. (If you are thinking of other thing when i wrote their name than forget it there no link to them to who is my crash or crash before i just base on them a size range only) You ask me why not skinny, one simple reason because too skinny not nice to hug and also not really pretty and that all about it haha. That about it for what i want to see for my girl of my life…
Chapter 21: NS Life April 19, 2009
It had been a long time that i last posted out a new post. How have i been well it had been tough for this phase of life as i didn’t get the posting i wanted to have. In my basic military training (BMT) There a lot of tough time i went through yet it was the time i become more mature, knowing what to do and being responsible to my future. In NS i realise a lot of thing i never had realise if i didn’t undergo this phase. Thing i realise is the importance of family time, having time for the family. Another thing is my future, what i really want to achieve.Now i am in the NS ministry under the west group. It was hard to adapt the culture and nature of the group at the very beginning. Slowly i start to adapt to the group and find myself very bonded to the group. They are really fun and loving group, like when i am having a cough they pray for me, give me cough syrup sweet and advice to get rid of the cough. Life is in a monotones state in NS really doing the thing i don’t wanted to do yet i must do. The only motivation is booking out, where i can spent time with my family and friends. Really miss Nexus and the lighting board long time i ever have to be involve in a ministry, i think is it the time now to get myself involve and serve God with my talent. Right now i need to grow in the area of punctuality and time management really bad and it’s been so long i have this struggle to overcome it but i know with Christ there is nothing i cannot do or stop me from doing it as God is all powerful and granted us with the power to overcome to be a over-comer. I thinking of making a promise of the week to remind myself of God promise in my life so i won’t cling on to it every week. But i guess i won’t do it, oh well… I still Got one and half year till i ORD hope God can speed up the time for me yet i know it won’t happen yet i hope in blindness. Human never change, they always hope for thing they cannot get, like looking into a big black hole of nothingness, that human. What if they get the thing they hope for yet they hope for other thing even they have everything. Hope make man go through pain and suffering but if you hope is given to God there is no more pain and suffering as man everything rotated around God promises. That why i chose to go with Jesus so i won’t live a life that filled with suffering…Well that just now is my personality always thinking of thing and human behaviour thing like that. I am a melancholic person really like to think of thing and prospective of things, like to listen to people and noise form on the bus and dwell in my chains of thought. If i was going to write down all of them i think you will be reading this post over the night. Alright i don’t to write down more if i do i will write even more…Oh well…
Chapter 20: I know what you going to say… February 6, 2009
Okey first thing first I know what you going to say and I know that i haven’t write a post for so long and that the reason that I writing now because I haven’t write for so long. Many thing happen since the last time I wrote on Chapter 19… Thing like working at Malaysia, my grandmother death, Working under my cousin as a photographer, recent stupid thing I have done, haven’t done, yet to be done, wish to be done and in the process of doing it… It will be a long post from the data I am thinking in my mind that why i wrote too much word in my composition in my O’s level examination…
Okey let talk about helping my mother and father in the family business and i mean “family business” that involve my uncle and aunt to my uncle in law and aunt in law will soon to be… Side track, all this topic they all are really link together as you read you will know what I am talking about. So I went to Malaysia reluctantly. I got to miss service i got to loss touch with my friends, I am in a land where Malay is the language of choice, no Singapore signature dishes. At-least I get to be paid. It was relaxing sometime when there is no customer but there is it start to be busy. When at ease i can lay on the lay chair and sleep the day off until there’s customer pouring in. When it reaching their New Year people start to overload the place really overloaded. And my job is to make sure that the stock are replenish and being the guy at the cash register collecting money and not knowing what the hell are they talking about and the only word I know is thank you in Malay, being a dumb-ass at the cashier counter. One thing I really enjoy is the food over there that the one thing I dun miss in Singapore, the food is superb and the Malay food is heavenly, their prata for example there is many layer in one prata that is hard to find it in Singapore, try their Nasi Kampong that is out of the world, you got to try it yourself to experience the true greatness. One thing that I will never forget is the KFC there, there is fried chicken with rice. Do you agree that it is very weird? And it is serve with a plate! After the next day my uncle, father and I went and have a game of snooker till very late and there is only billiard table no pool table I was disappointed when I first step into the room fill with smoke and air-con the mix of both if you know what I mean.
The next day was a really bad day I wish I will never happen. My gran mother pass away. and I received the news when I was still in bed and i jump up out of shock. There a uncomfortable silence fill the room nobody dare to break the silence. Reach back to Singapore had lunch with my cousin, uncle and aunt, after that we went back home with my cousin. After a few moment my cousin left and the next day my whole family when to toa payoh to see my gran mother. After all the ritual and all, they left and head to Malaysia. Only I, my brother and father are staying back. The Next day we when into Malaysia during the evening and reached there about midnight already. There not really much to do but ritual and folding paper. So I kill my time by folding paper because there really nothing I can do there. So I spent the first night no sleeping and keep on folding paper. The next day my cousin lend me his camera and it was like so totally cool. So I try to get a nice shot of a picture and I manage to get some nice one. Not much to talk and I also want to talk much about it. At the last day we need to walk and send my gran mother off. After that I and my brother when home first along with my cousin and aunt.
So at home the next day and knowing it is the time to see the dentist for fixing my decay tooth and great the dentist found I got another decay tooth. You know who will like to visit a dentist because when you were a child when you visit a dentist will never give you sweet. Well bear with it throughout the treatment 30min felt like 30 years.
So someday my cousin call me up and ask me if I want to learn and work under him as a photographer and I said yes. The next day was my first day at work as a photographer and my job is to take stall from the food center. I and my cousin when all part of Singapore to take picture of food stall. That day we covered two food center and we head out to my cousin sister who is my cousin too. We get there, it is close so my cousin take the time to teach me the program I will be using. It was easy but doing a few hundred of them is hard. The next day I when to his studio and finish up the editing and went out and you know what; to take more picture of food stall at food center. After taking two food center, it was plan to wait for my cousin friend to come out and get the car from my another cousin. But his friend didn’t turn up because he still not out from camp as he got re-service. So that when I was introduce to burn notice, and I am hook and we watch like five episode of burn notice. So I went home to prepare for a long day ahead of me. The next day we got the car so it is easy to travel around Singapore. We met at Eunos and we drive to Bedok and you know what, take more picture of stall. It is non-stop taking photo get in the car and getting lost. So when we shot finish the food center and it is the Editing part and I get to stay at his studio to for the whole night till morning to finish up the editing process. After a short break at the morning we set out again and taking picture of food center. After that It is the same thing edit till the day break. On the way to the studio the next day we were flagging a taxi as it was turning from the corner and it is in stationary and there another car after it, suddenly the taxi accelerate and hit the car. I and my cousin was in shock and we retreat our hand back and laugh at it. No one will witness this accident as you don’t see a car crash their car to another car when it in a stop. It was funny that both of us keep on laughing at it. In the end we ended up taking bus back to the studio. Another round of editing, another time of overnight job to do… Finally it is over and gone to take one more food center and pass back the rented camera back to the owner and i rested at my cousin house for awhile and i take my leave and headed home.
There still some food center that I still need to take but it is not that bad as the three days I work. Than again my life start to be bore again. Until I receive my NS(National Service) letter. And I admitted at the day before Church Youth Camp. So as who I am I am very frustrated about it and keep on complaining about it but nothing is going to happen. I am just disappointed. Well every men in Singapore must go through.
This the few big thing that have happen in my life till now. Now I going to take your hand and lead you into my memory lane to the small and medium thing in my life that have happen.
Gone back to Malaysia one fine Sunday for a Malay wedding and it is a real experience to me. I in love with their food it was really tasty and the drink was really refreshing. After the wedding I and my parent went to the shop to do some admin stuff and later when back to granma house. Durning my visit to my dad shop i take some stuff from the car and my dad car the window spoiled, so the window cannot go up. When i take my stuff i close the door and i hold it than the window start to go up, I was surprise and I told my dad and he is also surprise. The next day at the morning I went to the prata shop to have some really nice prata. Later my dad send his car for repair, to refill the black oil.When it is done we went to have a game of golf at a golf club.
Chapter 19: What should I write about? August 21, 2008
Hmm What should i write…i don’t know…i feel like writing it down just for the sake of writing it down, i think it feel better…Life like normal…No high hope to get my girl…Guess we are world apart…Happy i getting my psp back and save up for a Ipod classic and later a hornet amp…oh getting materialistic… Yes, yes, yes, one more thing my com crash…and all my song and game are all inside the hard-disk…cannot play battlefield 2, F.E.A.R, indigo prophecy, and a lot game.
What will i do when i get into NS… Hope it will be a positive…
Mine mind is blank but blank is something to talk about…Something about blank that interest me… If our mind is blank and we know it is blank than our mind is not blank as you are think that your mind is blank…
Hope tomorrow i hope i will be able o meet up with my cousin it has been long that we had meet each other for dinner…
Now i am bored…Now playing around some stupid gay guy making him run here and there sure is fun haha… Everything is fun when you are bored and nothing to do…so something that happen differently sure is fun…
See even nothing to write about also got thing to write about… This prove that nothing to write can be the topic to write about…
Going to sleep soon….
Chapter 18: Fallen in love August 14, 2008
Oh how wonderful…
when i thought that the world is filled with despair and darkness…
where hope is no where to be found…
when i chosen to harden my heart…
and there a Star shining in the dark night sky…
and there my love will be…
Jasmin my love of my life…
i will keep by your side whenever you need me…
my shoulder for you to lay your head…
my hand to hold you…
my leg to guide you…
my body to protect you…
my heart to be only for you…
my arm is there to carry you…
my mouth is there to say i love you…
my eyes is there to look at your beauty…
my touch is there to feel you…
my smell is there to sense you…
my life is there to lay down for you…
my soul is there to look after you…
So i will wait for that day to come i never give up…
until you accepted me…
For i know love is selfless…
love is unconditional…
love is for eternity…
love is blind…
love is bliss…
love is kind…
love is sacrificial…
love is always forgiving…
love is always hoping…
everyday i will think of you…
Jasmin i will be there when you need me i swear…
to provide your emotional, physical and mental needs…
I can dream of the day we kiss and hug each other…
when we watch the movie…
when we drink from the same cup…
when we walk down the road together…
when we hold hands…
when you needed someone by your side…
when we stargraze…
when we spent a night at the beach…
when we tickle each other…
when we play together…
what good dream i have everyday about you…
I don’t know how am i going to end this because the more i write the more i want to write…
I can forget the past and think about you…
i accept you as who you really are…
I put my life at risk for you…
I love you, Jasmin…
Forever and always…
