I been thinking this for a long time and I have decided on myself that I will have to control my impulse and anger. Thank for a few Sister in church that really wake up to my senses. This blog was intended for God not for my selfish foolish thought that dishonour God. I once again declare this blog to God. When I look at the posting I was really disgusted by myself, how can I be like this. Whoever who read my blog please keep me accountable to what I promise. I have made a lot of mistake and I do not want to repeat the same mistake again. I need God strength and power to overcome my sin and struggle, by myself I can’t do anything but with God all thing are possible!
Chapter 32: My talent to you are bullshit in your eyes. January 16, 2011
The more I think of it the more I find myself more confuse. Why do I express so much interest in doing big event for the church during my days in media and i never got one. Am I untalented, maybe I am, or maybe you don’t want me to do because I am not a leader, stop this bullshiting to me. You got people willing and have a desire and a dream to do something in their life and you just ruin it you motherfucker! You mother chui bai always say thing that are all so nice. you all are really mother chui bai, really fucking hate you all! Alright I not good enough for you saying that we one fucking family, go eat your fucking shit I tell you! All this crap you talking really feel like those other hypocrite! I was so blinded last time, wasting my life, time and talent on you all. Think of it, I’m really a fool in believe in this bullshit. When I see your face really make me sick and I really want to punch your fucking ugly faces. Hope you FMD ( Father Mother Die)!!!
Chapter 31: Confuse December 13, 2010
As I look through my blog and my feeling and happening it really like a roller-coaster, like a different personality. I kinda hate this, i just can’t find the real me in me. Some time i so bright than it turn dark. Maybe I should understand the situation more before I react to it. Rushing to it doesn’t help. Maybe my temper is bad during my NSF life as I just have that much of time to use and if they wasting my time, I will be angry. It is like sacrifices my time for you and you waste it as I can use that time to do better thing than wasting time, I think you will also be angry when you put into a situation that you only got one week of thing you want to do in two days. Now ORD life is back to normal, my life is not as squeeze as before. Kinda lost after my ORD as it felt like a bittersweet experience to me. Miss the Chong sua and sai kan and keep listen to the crap from my Encik and hoping OC will give us night off. A special type of life that you can’t find in the world outside of NS. Got to find job right now hoping there will be a good job that pay good a five days work week and it near where i stay. Got to run more getting fat and i feel really bad when people tell me that, i think i will get into depression if push harder. One time my mum say i fat i eat less, till I eat i still feel hungry and i skip breakfast. I must have a habit of running to keep fit and not grow fat and train for the standard chartered 42.195KM marathon, it is more to the mind than the body but not telling you that you don’t need to train for it. When i can run till 20km i will keep running that distance till one week before the run itself. So much thing to do after my ORD.
Chapter 30: Get Loss July 12, 2010
I am freaking angry now. why won’t my life turn a bit better right now? People around me are so superficial, trying to be nice and befriend me, why is it so hard just to talk normally? They put the thought of me behind, this is so pathetic. what with all this fuck shit going on? Going one big round just to tell me something, give me a break, will you? Just tell me the what you want to tell and stop wasting my time. What the Fuck! Say what, the group is your second home, don’t give me this bullshit and I don’t even feel like I belong to it, some more I don’t want to be in it. Don’t spread your virus to me. Just leave me alone. Am I wasting my time here? maybe I am wasting it away. the look at their face make me sick! You all don’t know me at all, not a single bit. You are so rotten even maggots avoid you! if you want to know me just tell me the truth about me how you hate me and how much trouble you do to me. I really want to punch all your face, it may even make it look better. If you think I am self-pitying myself than you are so wrong, I am just angry about you and i just expressing out how much I hated you will all your acts. I seen your kind a lot in this church and I despite you people. You don’t even deserve to be a leader and all, can’t even move your people from point A to point B together. I sound like a commentator but commentator only say what he want but i say are the truth. You know why I so hate you people, because you all are so not real, if you don’ like me in any way than tell me, because I will do the same to you. All your first, second and third rule bullshit, keeping like a secret like that. Fuck it! I hate all your inside joke and all and you know what i hope you all FMD because you all never even put me in the picture. All you know is doing your shit and speaking to each other like I am invincible and not there. I don’t see any brother type of relationship in there, no one will step up to do thing together and do it all the way. All you know is I got something on later I will take my leave and in the end everyone left like each one of you are a stranger. I don’t know why I always got into a group that always like that. You don’t know me? Don’t give me that bullshit. If you want to know me than you will ask me out to talk just like Kenneth did. He really want to know me, he give his time to me when I requested, so I respect that. Even thing that not him he will still do it with me and return I will do with him what he want to do. He what i respect of him even I make mistake, he will not tell me to change, instead he guide me to the right path together with me. Doing life together and share his problem as I share mine. You my shepherd, Don’t make me laugh, you alone are a joke in the beginning. My NS time i can spit it in first year and second year, first year is the year that I teasure the most the second year is the year I hate the most. Do you get it? if you do than Fuck off!!!
Chapter 29: Rotten March 7, 2010
Hahaha… I finally found who I am right now thanks to you Rotten human. Who care about the group it is now what I hate now, what I thought it is worth sacrificing is now worthless. I know you will be looking at it but is a proclamation to you all humans. Die you all evil creature, feed to the flame, Go back to where you come from, to the dust. So easily to die and yet think you all are so powerful haha foolish. I saw a book all want to go heaven but no one want to die, so you christian I help you now. by killing you all is the only thing to cleans all your sin. why should I be with you all it’s just hurting me, just leave me alone I think it will be great and oh yeah I think I want to smoke again. So much time making myself to love you human is useless I ended up hurting myself. Don’t let me stain your rotten blood on me, away from me…
Chapter 28: Remenber… February 16, 2010
Still remember those time when I was young and understand little thing. Thing goes wild and reckless without giving a thought about will happen to about others. I think I still wanted be like that when life was not be complicated but simple. So much fun do the most stupid stuff and laugh together with my friend. Now thing got more complicated and need to show different faces to others. Now i think of it I am stave from female interaction so much that I got problem talking to them often thinking them as part or another planet. Is it because they just like that or is it that I don’t know how to talk to them? I wish I can really talk to them at least know what they thinking and what they think of me. I am 21 and i rarely even talk to any girl in my life. Think my primary school all boy for 7 year of boys school. shortly going to mix school got into church which talking to girls is like talking to the devil for 4 years or so and the culture don’t really change even after the introduction the sister in the group. In school I don’t talk to girl as I don’t know what to talk to them scare to offence them, you never know what going to happen the worse thing to happen is when they cry that where you turn helpless nothing you can do to save them. Guy are more easy to please just give them soccer, lan game, food and toa pok and the guy will be happy. So easy to please not like Girl you give everything you have and they are still not happy with you. Maybe that why I don’t understand them at all.
Chapter 27: Left Aside January 10, 2010
It seem that when you in the group which your interest is not in the greater majority, you cannot enjoy but to follow what they enjoy. Isn’t that cruel forcing people to like what you like to do? Maybe I should withdraw from them and play with myself, that don’t sound as a bad idea. I don’t believe that such a big group of people not even one like to play pool. This really suck. So I mean to be playing alone i will do it than. They can play their lan gaming all that all they want as I can play mine too all I want. I want to do what I like but I cannot. It is so unfair.What I do must always be with the group than that restrict me from who I am. I felt that I was left behind. I ask people will just smile at you and say some excuse not to play, please I don’t need your smile and excuse if you don’t want to play than let it be. It’s no fun playing with you all anyway must well play a solitaire pool.
Chapter 26: Experience January 3, 2010
It was yesterday I thought it was any other day. Gone to service and praise and worship to God and sermon but there is no point. Later I realise there a dinner later on at the flyer I thought I was just a unit thing no aware that it is the whole conjugation of UNI-YA.
We got our rehearsal and dinner there and fellowship with the people. at 1950 the dinner ended and the next set of program began and it’s the unit drama.
I will say that the Young Adult their filming was very outstanding. And it is no surprise that they won the award.
It was finally the NS turn to perform and being NS ministry it is all come to our craziness and i bet that it have tickle the funny bone of the whole crowd and warm their heart.
Prize presentation, it is as always boring and an emotional time for me. It always happen during prize presentation and asking myself why did I didn’t do that well.
After the event Chuan De and I decided to go clubbing so we decided to go to butter factory. He brought his army friend there so he intro them to me. We finally get in and it is a horror so pack and crowded no place to dace all.
The DJ also not good. To summarise the whole experience, it was bad plus I not a clubbing person I more to a bar guy, don’t enjoy girl losing their composure and being a mess. I enjoy live music prefer Jazz, have good time and chatting and laughing and playing a game of pool. that what I want my life to be like simple.
Chapter 25: Twices January 2, 2010
I think it been long that I really a post about what i think.
I try to keep short as I know I alway make it too long for you guys.
If you may wonder why I name it as twice, I got my reason, better let you see what I mean.
So this it’s how it began,
of my mind thinking and thoughts,
silently,
…
I walk a path and pause than turn back and saw the path that i have taken,
Why have I taken that path,
filled with regret,
that what you want to tell me don’t you?
I have fallen to your trap a lot of time i know,
I don’t need you to remind me of it,
I clearly know,
but I need to move on,
a new life,
and stop asking stupid question.
Maybe that will never happen,
life will not be interesting without them,
and ideas.
I saw Jocelyn blog and I saw her taking the same path that I toke a few years back,
the same path you instructed me to follow with your empty promise of sweet and
meaningless gain.
But was blinded by your darkness, drove me mad, lose control of myself and became your puppet of evil.
It hurt to see her going the same path as me know what will happen to her,
silence Cry that no one can hear, darkness that no light can penetrate through.
It is a scary world that I found myself stuck inside,
True madness,
pity to the soul,
pain of pain.
Somehow found my way out of it and to the bliss of light.
Maybe it’s the will of God that i gone through this for me to grow stronger,
who know’s?
Why is there suffering,
I once ask,
sometime you don’t know bout yourself but you are cutting your own wrist at the same time you asking the question and bleeding to your death.
It funny and amusing to see that till now.
I try to understand everything but instead I make a mess out of myself.
A mess I make that can’t undo.
Turning in circle coming back to the same question and that what you want,
and you get angry when I broke free from this cycle.
Shame on you!
Oh yeah the no shame on you to be ashamed because you delight in shame,
so I rephrase it,
May God Curse you for all eternity!
Let get over with,
don’t waste my strength on you, Devil.
Let talk about life,
i recently went to objectif a photography shop to get my flash but it was close,
this really get me mad because the a note pin there we are close from 24 Dec to 4 Jan and this is not the first time this is the second time.
Nevermind I went to CMPB and close too and also the second time and this time I am really piss.
Both failed me twice,
just now I tell you all later you will know this is why.
I finally want get a girl,
so I tell you my type,
so girl out there beware papa is come after you,
that sound so wrong,
whatever haha,
let rephrase it,
girls out there there’s a man who want your affection.
I like girl who is not to skinny about Katarina is ok any skinner that is really too skinny except dawn she is different.
Why I say dawn is different because she only girl in church I got crush on and she not the type I mention but I still like her, plus she is tall.
I like a girl like the movie “My Sassy Girl” the main actress she really cool when I saw the girl I knew I want that type of girl quite violent but caring. Some who a bit fierce.Some like Jiayi maybe? Not saying she fierce but someone like her personality.
Biblical is a must so all my other crush is out except dawn though.
Know media like photography and all that.
She is a good talk starter and know when to talk that quite important. Because I not.
The rest is really non-major points.
Got to rest for the night, tomorrow still got service.
Chapter 24: Return
Okay, I know it been a long time i wrote my last post and i know it is ungodly posting, i changing now to a better person i used to be. No more of a emo kid who asking and questioning his world problem but to take sometime to reflex on God’s Goodness and Love. Just came back from Brunei training and it has teaches me a lot of thing in life. Before the trip to Brunei there i was complaining and how much i don’t want to go for Exercise Lancer. I even had a so-called last supper with my friend before i went to Brunei. By the way if you don’t know this my second time i took an aircraft. My dad drove me and my mum to T2 at Changi Airport, on the way there i realise that i had forgotten my wallet with my 11B in it. Without it i will never get into the aircraft. So I called my brother who is at home to send my wallet to the airport. Thank God for my brother if not i will be late as my dad need to go fetch my wallet. It’s there that i say my last farewell to my parent and off I go to Excercise Lancer. The walk is long toward the aircraft in a non-literally but a one in the mind and soul. Dragging my body forward to the aircraft and when i seated down the hope of going back suddenly vanish in to thin air. It was a Two hour trip and we got off and take the bus than to the boat. Halfway to the next drop off point the boat stop and breakdown as smoke came out of the engine room. so we have to wait for the river taxi to pick us up and it is so much faster than taking the big boat. So we reach the jetty and change to a bus which take us to camp. When we reach we unpack all our stuff and surrender all the camera, there also an orientation around the camp and the do and don’ts, that for the first day. The first few days is boring just practice over practice not much fun and it’s hot. (From now on i going to tell you all the highlight as if i going to the detail i think you all will dose-off) First mission that is navigation, it was simply the best as you don’t need to follow the rule in the field like being quiet and cannot take off shirt. the first day when our group going for our second checkpoint we having a hard time finding it and we bump into CSM group so we tag along with them to search our checkpoint. as time past the morale of the group drop. After filling up our bottle i and SGT Yeh went up and luck was on our side this time as we found pool which is our second checkpoint. We rest for the night and set up the shelter. About evening, there was a down pour it was so heavy that there a dead-fall fell down at the checkpoint and the people there came down to our shelter to spent the night as it was dangerous over there. the next is just walking to our mid-point and met CSM team again. This time we bash through the vegetation and vines, we even had to sneak behind the instructor just to get a shorter route. We went rush to the last checkpoint and settle down for the night and had to make a big shelter for two team. The next day, we rush to our end point and we get to return back to our campsite. The next out field is JV, Jungle village. I forgot everything except the heli ops and fire fight other than that nothing much there. The next is the grand finale Excercise Blua-Ya. I think it is the toughest of all the out field i done in Brunei. We need to climb up MT Bliang, cross three different river, walk through seven little hill and fight our mission. The climax is mt bliang, it was really crazy i almost died there, oh well. when we reach the peak we had lunch and it was so cooling.
ok let not talk about mission and all the shitty thing anymore it make me sick. R&R well the standard three M nothing much what exciting is the mall that we get to shop. flying back Singapore is like coming back from war, when we touch down on Singapore land the whole airplane shake with roar of celebration and thunderous clap raging across the plane, i bet that the air control will heard us loud and clear. That the end going to die writing too much to write about if i continue it will be endless
Chapter Of Life.... 